I don’t mind dying.
With even this whole Covid-19 Pandemic spreading its diabolical tentacles around the globe, I am not afraid of dying. It’s a phase of life we all go through, right? Right.
But here’s the thing. I started realizing the magnitude of this Pandemic when my kids’ colleges started shutting down. When the condo I lived in had new cases of Covid-19. When businesses started closing down. When I couldn’t get food supplies from the stores because they shuttered earlier than usual. When there were no restaurants open for dinner we could go to.
I realized that if something happened, it could happen to me or my boys. It could be disastrous.
You see, in a single-parent household, the head of the house, which in this case is me (whether I like it or not), has to be standing, watching, running, doing, be on stand-by, and remain the last one standing. If I went down, game over.
The anxiety of not knowing what to do could drive people crazy. It felt like, really felt like, the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
Back when my boys were young, it gave me panic attacks. I am not shy to admit this because I am sure I am not the only one: I have found myself crouched down in a corner of my kitchen, in tears, shaking, hardly breathing, or breathing in too much. The first few years of being a single parent were brutal. I thought I could do it because all my life, I’ve never shied away from doing strange, unknown things.
But this single parenting thing was at a whole new level. Whatever I thought single parenthood was, it wasn’t.
I left everything behind after the marriage broke down. I left friends, family, the normal working environment, my life, and myself behind. There was just no room for anything else beyond being the only parent because we cannot afford otherwise.
To others, it looked effortless. I had consistent remote work as an SEO and digital marketing specialist and copywriter and this meant I had “all the time in the world” to care for my two growing boys.
But nobody told me about how much I didn’t know about growing men. Raising men showed me that I can’t be…